Tonight, at 6 pm, the UW Badger Hockey Team will play in the NCAA championship game...against Boston College...just like they did four years ago. That game, four years ago, went down in infamy for me. It was NOT one of my shining moments. But the story is one that is just too damn funny to not bring back from the vault so here we go...
Four years ago, I was on a smoothie diet. Loved those smoothies! So I had a smoothie for breakfast - went to the Y to swim and then forgot to eat lunch (first red flag). It was a cold but sunny April day - too cold to do too much outside. So Kevin and I decided to do some shopping and then watch The Master's at a local establishment - someplace new that we had never been - we went to Brooklyn's. The goal was to watch a little golf and then get home for the hockey game. Well, plans went a little south. After a tasty Blue Moon, I decided to honor the Badger hockey team by switching to 'something red'...like a cosmo (second red flag - no pun intended). Well, The Master's came and went and before you knew it, the hockey game was on...time for a second 'red drink' and at this point, I just told the bartender to 'make me something red' (third red flag). I think about halfway thru this second red drink, Kevin decided I needed to get home (I was loud - talking in tongues - let's face it, just loaded!). And the minute I got outside, that fresh air/oxygen set me on my *ss. I couldn't see (how does that happen?); I had problems walking to the truck (??) and I then realized I needed to get home. He poured me into the truck and I begged for him to drive fast. I laid back in the seat - closed my eyes and could visualize every turn and stop sign until I got home. Unfortunately, my liquor combo and lack of ANY solid food all day decided to play 'games' with me and my head...and my stomach. There was no way to get safely home - Kevin had to pull off in front of the Lion's Den so I could retch my guts out. There I stood - hanging onto the seatbelt strap so I didn't fall into the ditch - hurling. NICE!! And people, it's like 6 pm - broad daylight!! Pretty to boot! But it gets better...much better...
I fell back into the truck and then began to disrobe because my aim was a little bit off. I decided that a load of laundry HAD to be done the millisecond I got home...I mean IMMEDIATELY. So there I sat in the truck - pants and shirt and UW jacket in hand...riding around in my bra and panties. I know right now you're thinking 'geez, that Kevin is a lucky guy.' I'm glad he didn't dump my rump out on Hwy. 26 somewhere.
So, we get home, Kevin has to HELP ME get into the house. As determined, I fire up the wash machine and start chores - still not being able to see or talk intelligently or with purpose. Go figure? He literally has to steer me and guide me up the stairs - I am like a pinball - bouncing off walls and furniture. I am pretty sure SOMEONE slipped something into my drink!! I mean , come on - that is not much alcohol and I don't think I've ever been that sh*tfaced. But it gets better...
My wonderful husband grabs a bucket and points me in the direction of the bedroom, and I decide to take a little nap...ok, I passed out. And again people, it's like 6:15 now - BROAD DAYLIGHT YET!
I wake up. The house is quiet. I decide to play that age old game that I know ALL of you have done at some point and time, drink and dial. I call Barb and Marc, my sister and brother in law and leave a message that was a combo of swahili and pig latin (they would later call back and talk to Kevin and ask where I was and if I was alright because it was the most bizarre...and hysterical message they had ever received from me...and they would save this for over a year just because it was so damn funny to listen to - see below for the manuscript). I worship at the plastic bucket and then decide to dump it over the back deck of our house rather than into the bathroom. Still, to this day, I have no clue where that came from. Why? Why? Why? So I walk onto our back deck...in panties (yes, you read right...just panties)...and heave the heave over the deck. I still can't see but realize it is DAYLIGHT yet...and then I hear voices. Kids voices. Neighbor kids voices. SOB!! ALL the neighbors are out in their backyard and I am basically standing buck naked on our deck dumping a pail of urp over the railing. AAAARRRGGG!! I streak (again, no pun intended) back into the house and crawl back into bed and then scream for Kevin to 'look outside - who is out there - I was on the back deck naked.' Kevin is aghast. "I left you for five minutes, what the hell did you all do?" Before I can answer, I pass out again - that's when Barb and Marc call to fill him in on my antics. Seriously, what did someone put in my drink?
I wake up at 10 pm. The Badgers won and are the NCAA champs! I am happy - though feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat. I fall back to sleep...ok, I pass out...again. When I wake on Sunday, little bits and pieces begin to come back to me. I still feel like crap; I am embarassed and I KNOW that someone put something in my drink. I vow to NEVER return to Brooklyn's again.
And I didn't. Until two years later. With Kevin and my friends Susan and Tammy, I decide to exorcise the demons and give this local establishment another try. We all order martinis. It is then that Kevin realizes what was in my drink that night in 2006...21 oz of alcohol. Yes, not a baby martini - these are SUPERSIZED martinis - so throw that into an empty tummy and see what you get. And all this time I thought someone had plotted my demise that night. And with that, I would also like to share a little food for thought from my wonderful friend Susan (you will want to remember this and use it..you will) -
Martinis are like b**bs; one's not enough and three's too many - Susan J.
So, because sometimes you just gotta take one for the team, Kevin and I are heading back to Brooklyn's tonight. To do it all over again! YES! And I'll do whatever I need to, to ensure another Badger victory. Stay tuned for highlights (or lowlights, but hopefully no headlights). GO BUCKY!!!!!
Here's that infamous message that was left on Barb and Marc's answering machine. They gave this to me (along with other items like a bib; barf bags; baby wipes; bucket, etc. at Xmas in a 'UW BADGER HOCKEY OVERINDULGENCE EMERGENCY CLEAN UP KIT - I know, very funny).
"Barb-
Call Kevin and make sure I'm frickin alive. I think they spiked my drink...at Brooklyn's. I am just a mess. He just drove me home and I puked at the Lion's Den -hello? F*CK! I feel like sh*t. I hope the Badgers win. Bye."
Like I said, NOT one of my shining moments.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
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